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Friday, July 15th, 2005
6:54 pm - a work in progress
i had this idea for a lyric the other night...
scrawled this on a post it at work today:

"i want to be your main attraction,
not your matinee.
an afternoon showing,
no name on the marquee.

there's no ticket taker baby,
put your feet up on the seats.

always waiting for you to say:
'be my headliner baby,
you're the only one for me.'

i'll see my name in lights someday,
for now i'll just be your bargain showing...
your matinee."

so true. sigh.

current mood: restless

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Saturday, June 18th, 2005
11:32 pm
i've been feeling less than stellar as of late.
deflated and kind of consumed with my own me-ishness, as sabrina would say, perhaps...
i want to be enough, just me.. not flattered then let down.
not built up then abandoned.
not taken as someone who will be some great escape.
not made to seem foolish for being clumsy with my heart and hesitant with my emotions...
not, just not.

it seems the harder i try the less i accomplish, but you can't dictate someone else's actions... no matter how contrary to their intentions or projections.

current mood: listless

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Monday, May 30th, 2005
11:00 pm
i'm sick of girls disappointing me.

well intentioned girls with bright blue eyes,
under the guise of something else...

i'm just so frustrated i could vomit right now.

the right time, the right place, and the right person...

apparently being mutually attracted and interested in someone isn't enough these days...

why is it that i seem to always be the casuality of some girl's past relationship issues and the related fall out?

i need to escape somewhere, somewhere other than my head.

current mood: discontent

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Saturday, May 28th, 2005
5:01 pm - anticipation...
the well intentioned californian returns this tues...
i am nervous and conflicted about said return.

the 1am girl hasn't returned my messages in 3 days...
after a wonderfully flirty and fun time drinking on wed night...

this worries me. i have every intention of picking up where i left off with the well intentioned one... but do miss spending time with 1am.

i've left 2 messages in 3 days... that is my limit.

why do i place so many rules on myself?

and why is it bothering me so much that i haven't seen or heard from her?

current mood: contemplative

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Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
12:22 am - interesting
when she called and said she couldn't come tonight... i was disappointed. i played it off as if i was nervous that no one would come for the big finale and send off for j. but really it was unsettling to know i was let down that she wouldn't be here, and that she was spending time with her exgirlfriend in the city, whom she hadn't seen for so long.
what does it all mean? what about the well intentioned girl that returns in 14 days?...
this is confusing.

current mood: jealous

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Thursday, May 12th, 2005
1:14 am - why am i in some girl's apt at 1am?
i think i need to call her tomorrow and leave this all important voicemail:

"um hi, sorry i'm such a lame ass can we meet for coffee after work today?"

i so need to be stupid and just put stuff out there to her. it isn't fair when the well intentioned one is out of state, and definitely not out of mind.

current mood: confused

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Tuesday, May 10th, 2005
12:16 am
i think i am nonsensically digging myself into a hole...
one i don't know if i want to be in right now.

being that in a short time things will resume, hopefully, and begin to just continue to be great...

then there is now, and i am cold, and lonely and nuerotic...
perhaps this is all too new, and complications are apparent.

i need to say something, for her and to her.
there's no sense in waiting...
i know i'm a better person than that.

current mood: confused

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Friday, May 6th, 2005
9:28 am - interests...
well intentioned bright blue eyed californian girls are my new favorite thing...

patience* will be my mantra for the next 25 days.

*obviously not in regard to the popular GNR song of my youth.

current mood: excited

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Monday, May 2nd, 2005
10:30 pm - new england's far away...
here's to hoping this helps her spend all of may thinking of me...
a mix i made her for her travels...

go west - liz phair
stuck here - a.k. healey
bohemian like me - the dandy warhols
inspiration - fooled by april
saturday morning - eels
reunion - stars
a lack of color - death cab for cutie
sleepy california - her space holiday
wake up exhausted - tegan and sara
paint the silence - south
popular mechanics for lovers - beulah
sold you an alibi - superdrag
a movie script ending - death cab for cutie
living room - tegan and sara
happy kid - nada surf
portions for foxes - rilo kiley
have to ask - the damnwells
good enough - scout
promise - pedro the lion
brand new colony - postal service
now that you're a ghost - lovers

current mood: tired

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Sunday, May 1st, 2005
1:01 pm - rainy days
i've been feeling like a death cab for cutie song as of late... and been listening to the like.

i guess "lack of color" seems oddly nostalgic and so relateable, not the circumstances just the intent.

current mood: exhausted

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Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
12:30 pm - email
a friend emailed me this today:

"I also think that when you state that you're unavailable it's really unfair to suddenly become SO AVAILABLE. WTF?"

exactly.

current mood: tired

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Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
10:53 pm - the cycle...
"silver" - the so and so's
"divorce song" - liz phair
"state of main" - scout
"a new lease on life" - lovers
"save me" - aimee mann
"this ruined puzzle" - dashboard confessional
"she says" - howie day
"my girlfriend's boyfriend" - her space holiday
"lover i don't have to love" - bright eyes
"treat me like dirt" - patti rothberg
"[nice to meet you] anyway" - gavin degraw
"here nor there" - andy stochansky
"city girl" - tegan and sara
"speak for me" - cat power
"a bird flies out" - deb talan
"toxic girl" - kings of convenience
"speedbumps" - luna
"lives" - modest mouse
"sleepsinging" - the damnwells

current mood: exhausted

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Monday, April 18th, 2005
11:05 pm - question
who isn't moving away from here or me for that matter?

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Sunday, April 17th, 2005
12:20 am - lovers
"...and i'm wasting away in georgia but thank god new england's far away, massachusetts i once loved you but there's a whole group of states now i don't want to set foot upon where i found you..."

current mood: deflated

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Monday, April 4th, 2005
11:29 pm
cause i been caught in between all i wish for and all i need...

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Thursday, March 24th, 2005
5:41 pm - not applicable
i've been sick.

so sick that i MADE myself go to the doctor on tues.

while waiting for my appt i struggled to take a coughless breath and looked for a diversion...

only to be faced with 2 reading options:

black entrepaneur

pregnancy and hot sex tips for moms to be...

no joke.

this is my life.

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Sunday, March 20th, 2005
11:11 pm - mia
been mia as of late.
not much to report.

i hate the gym
i hate being single
i hate having to work a day job
i love my dream job and would work full time if i could
i need to play guitar more
i am disappointed in the l word
i hesitate too often

my break is over.

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Friday, February 18th, 2005
8:28 am - yet another
so i met someone at work no less...
she is cute and supersmart... and gay.
no idea if she is single, i got her number a few days ago...
and had extended an invite to something at my dream job, but she couldn't make it, she was sick and it was bad timing..
i want to call her this weekend, and ask to do something..
i did invite her to come to my place for a weekly l word thing i am having on mon nights, she seemed up for it...
i could call this weekend aunder the guise of giving her directions...
who knows.

current mood: tired

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Saturday, January 8th, 2005
6:52 pm - hot hot heat
"bandages" - hot hot heat

These bandages cover more than scrapes
cuts and bruises from regrets and mistakes.
I've been hoping you're moping around the street again.
I've been tripping from sipping the dripping dirty water tap.
I've been poking a voodoo doll that you do not know I made.
These bandages are anonymity.

I've been shaking from making an awful decision.
I've been running and running...
feels like my head is spinning round and round
around around around around around...

Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
(Bandages bandages bandages)
Up and down on my legs and my arms from you
(Bandages bandages bandages)

I've been hoping your moping around the street again.
I've been tripping from sipping the dripping dirty water tap.
I've been poking a voodoo doll that you do not know I made for you... of you
let's see what needles do.

I've been shaking from making an awful decision.
I've been thinking I'm drinking too many drinks all by myself.
I've been running and running... feels like my head is spinning round and round and round
around around around around

Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
(Bandages bandages bandages)
Up and down on my legs and my arms from you
(Bandages bandages bandages)
Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
(Bandages bandages bandages)
Up and down on my legs and my arms from you
(Bandages bandages bandages)
(Bandages bandages bandages)

Don't worry now, don't worry now, don't worry cos it's all under control
Don't worry now, don't worry now, don't worry cos it's all under control
Don't worry now, don't worry now, don't worry cos it's all under control
Don't worry now, don't worry now, don't worry cos it's all under control

note* this in no way denotes self injurious behavior on my part, who knows why i am including this perhaps i have worked in psych for one too many years... but instead i loved the first two lines of this song... kind of hits home... and the whole state of my life and singledom right now...

current mood: cold

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Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
11:14 pm - a new mantra...
i changed the chalkboard in my kitchen tonight...
i need something... inspiration, reminders, optimism, who knows...
this cycle can not go on forever, although it feels as though it will...
me looking ahead, frustrated with the same old situation...
hurtfullness and a genuine lack of consideration yet again from someone else.

so i wrote this:

"you make your plans and then a great wind comes along...
and you begin again."

from the foreward of sabrina's latest book, messy thrilling life...
(how appropriate)

i need to remember this, and try to keep moving forward and not retreat into self doubt and self blame.

i need to keep being me and not get down on others not appreciating that.

there has to be someone out there who will.

the right time, the right place and the right person.

hopefully things will fall into place.

i am lonely and don't feel i ask for much.

current mood: exhausted

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